Death, Dying, and Surviving. Those early days I was just barely holding on and holding it together. I thought the sadness would last forever. The heartbreak, I felt so broken and devastated. I was angry. I wanted to rewind time, I felt so numb.
The first time I laughed after he died was two weeks after his death a friend made a joke and I laughed. It felt so good to laugh. The laughter caught me off guard. One night early on I had cried so much the next morning my eyes were swollen shut. It felt as if I had a hangover from the tears and a headache that would last for days. I felt so lost. I didn’t realize the thing that I didn’t want to do was the one thing that would help me heal. I was so reluctant at first. I had thoughts that I didn’t deserve to be happy again.
The best thing my family did for me was they took me out of the house one night to a comedy club. My entire extended family. Something magical happened as the comedian began his jokes. He was funny! I began to laugh so hard you cry kind of laugh. It felt great, laughter seemed to take the hurt away, and I forgot my problems. The funny guy on stage, he was one of my saving graces. You saved me. “Laughter creates a community which is a safe place to confront our fears.” And statistics show 15 minutes of laughter is as healthy as 2 hours of sleep!
We widows get our own holiday. National Widows. Membership to this club steep! There are no consolation prizes, and nothing to celebrate. Only one way and that’s through it. Why do we hide our feelings. I felt so alone in a crowded room. I wanted to die inside. It was the worst moment. Death is a part of life and it will touch every single one of us. It’s our humanity makes us human. Grief is complicated and messy! I still cry, there is power in vulnerability.
I have cried so many tears. I have learned through the years being a widow and a single mom it’s better to laugh than to cry. When the accident first happened I was in a state of shock, it was an overload. The aftershocks came in waves of numbness, confusion, shock, pain, heartbreak, sadness, and fear. I tried running from it. Facing his death and began to put back the pieces back together. Life can totally kick you while your down. The key is always to get back up and not stay down. Laughter was the best medicine. I had 20 wonderful years. A beautiful romance, friendship, love, relationship, with my very best friend. The loss was hard.
If you’re widowed I recommend finding and joining the tribe of widowed women at the Modern Widows Club. Love, Tracy
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